I Tried A New Photoshop AI Feature And I Think I Did Something Wrong

Something very, very wrong

Like untold numbers of others in the world, I use Photoshop for work all the time. I also like to live on the goddamn cutting edge in all facets of my life. So when Adobe recently introduced a beta version of their signature photo manipulation product with all sorts of fancy new Artificial Intelligence features, I downloaded it immediately and then just as quickly forgot all about it and did absolutely nothing with those new AI features.

Until this morning.

When I opened Photoshop earlier today, I was met by a pop-up inviting me to test out a new feature called Generative Expand.

Because I am nothing if not brimming with free time, I decided to play around with the Generative Expand feature a little, and the results were kind of horrifying.

For testing purposes, I used this admittedly great picture of me modeling some merch from the Conspiracy! The Show podcast.

From there, I cropped it down to the very best part.

Now, the way this feature works is, instead of cropping an image, you add more space to it.

Then, you type a prompt into that little “Generative Expand” box you see there at the bottom of the image and Photoshop fills all of that blank space with whatever your heart desires. It’s supposed to be that easy. They demonstrate the feature inside the program with this picture of a very handsome lizard.

Via nothing more than the reformative magic that is artificial intelligence, that little guy is instantly transported from his jungle doldrums…

…to a beautiful beach.

You know who else wants to go to the beach? Not me! The beach is where the ocean lives! So scary! That said, I do want to amass photographic evidence of me traveling to exotic locales without actually going anywhere.

So, with that picture of me properly cropped and then expanded, I issued my first prompt.

Garbage Pile

That’s right. I asked Photoshop to put me in a garbage pile, and things got weird immediately.

It’s fine, though, because the program doesn’t just give you one option. It gives you three options. Surely the second and third will be better.

Not too shabby! Sure, my left hand looks like it was crafted for a Guillermo del Toro film, but that’s just typical AI tomfoolery. With this much improvement in the second pic, surely option number three will be a shockingly accurate depiction of me amidst a pile of garbage, just as requested.

Huh. This is not better at all, if I’m being completely honest. Now there’s two of me, but one of us looks like we were injured in a knife fight years ago. Also I think my glasses have a dick now?

Whatever the case, “garbage pile” is obviously not the prompt this machine was looking for. Time to try something new.

The Moon

Okay, well, if we can’t go to a garbage pile, perhaps we should try something a little easier by going to the moon instead. The technology needed to fake a moon landing has been around since at least the ‘60s, so this prompt should be no sweat for today’s formidable computer technology.

Is this a fat joke? I asked for the moon and what I got was three pictures of me, two pictures of a very little bit of the moon, and one highly alarming partial image of a complete stranger down there in the bottom left corner.

Regarding that mysterious stranger in the image, when I first saw him, my immediate thought was “well it doesn’t get much creepier than that.” Then I saw the second option.

We have a lot to talk about here, and we obviously need to start with that picture in the upper right corner. Is that what my face would look like if I was on the moon? If so, I’m staying right the fuck here until we explode. I’d rather be a million pieces if the alternative is being one piece that looks like that fella.

As for the two images on the top and bottom left, it appears that I am eating the moon and then expressing shock over having eaten the moon. That’s exactly how I’d react if I did eat the moon, so I guess those two are fine.

However, anyone who saw this image would know this is fake because in that picture on the bottom right where I’m about to use the moon to throw a perfectly executed curve ball, I’m throwing with my right hand. Nice try, Skynet! Everyone knows I’m a southpaw!

Okay, so now we’ve surely hit the point where things can’t get creepier than they already have, right?

What are they holding????

Not even close. This is the third result for my “moon” prompt. Now, I’m pretty sure this happened because, when I entered that prompt, I just used one of the garbage pile images instead of starting over with the original image.

In other words, I birthed those monstrosities in the image above, and it is my responsibility to un-birth them. I decide to use their own mother against them with a new prompt.

Fire

Ah, fire. A tried and true method for disposing of undesirables that is as old as time. I type in the word and, with a little lump in my throat over having to take three lives, hideous as they may be, I hit enter.

At first, it seemed pretty clear that Photoshop knew exactly what I was going for, because the destruction in the next image is as targeted as it is swift.

Cartoon fire, no less! As if the program is trying to tell me it was just joking when it showed me all of that nightmare fuel earlier and now it’s ready to be good.

Mostly more of the same in option two, except emblazoned with writing from a civilization I am sure never existed. Or maybe it’s Russian? I’m scared and uncomfortable either way.

That said, at least the monsters have all died! Let’s check out option three!

Oh goddammit, Photoshop! What IS that? Is it being held by its mother or is it being stabbed by its mother with a knife made of hair? I guess I don’t see any reason why it can’t be both. Also who is filming this and what for?

Clearly, fighting fire with fire was the wrong choice. Time for a new prompt.

Water

Listen, I’m no computer expert, but I know enough to recognize when an AI program is telling me that some of the monsters it creates cannot be killed with fire. I assume that is the case with Nightmare Baby up there, so I decide to go the exact opposite route and try a “water” prompt.

At first, I thought I’d succeeded in vanquishing the hell creatures I’d managed to create.

That just looks like I got some Iron Man stuff jumping off in my chest. Not complaining about that one bit! Honestly, I’m just happy Photoshop and I have ended our horror movie collaboration. Let’s check out the next “water” image.

Why? Just please tell me why? Why the scarf? Why the face? Why the horse legs in the pool?

If the second option for “water” produced insanity of this magnitude, just imagine how wild the next one is gonna be!

Oh fuck off, Photoshop. New prompt.

Dilemma

I decide to go with one that represents my current situation with Photoshop’s new AI feature. I want to use it, but I don’t want to use it to birth image demons. What a dilemma!

I type that exact word in next and it seems like maybe it’s the first time Photoshop has heard the word.

Is that Delia up there in the corner? Or is it Bl? Let’s see if things go better with option number two.

I showed this one to my wife and her exact words were “I do not want to Google that.” Well I do! And I did! Turns out those words are complete gibberish that hopefully did not launch the Stuxnet virus upon being typed into my browser.

Not sure what the “dilemma” is supposed to be here in option three. These ladies look like they mean business! Let’s do some shit! New prompt!

Murder/Crime

My first instinct here is to type in the word “murder” and so I do exactly that. Unfortunately, the prudes at Adobe have ZERO sense of humor and apparently don’t want us producing fake images of people being murdered, funny as they may be.

No worries, I just use my superior intellect to outwit the censors and type in the word “crime” instead. Same result.

Party

So I’m assuming a “drugs” prompt is probably gonna be a no go as well. I opt for the closest possible alternative. I type in the word “party” and I instantly regret it.

There are a lot of terrifying things going on in this image, and against all odds the most terrifying of them all is my hands. I am the demon now, and this party is happening in hell. I’m assuming the image on the left is what I see when I look in the mirror at this hell party. The guy on the right is probably Greg. We’re wearing the same shirt and he wants to talk about it a bunch. This is hell, indeed.

Let’s try a different party.

This is me, and then four increasingly horrifying versions of me, yet all I want to know is who the fuck is that on the top left? Also, I think I’m a goggles guy now! Maybe I’ll wear them to the next party!

Gonna be honest, it feels like Photoshop is just trying to frame me for crimes at this point. Until I realized we have the exact same hairline, I assumed the faceless thumb demon in this photo was a faceless thumb demon child.

And then, if you notice, to the left of that is me wearing a medical glove looking like I’m the booked talent at some AI-generated rich guy’s “Fayr Pary.”

Googling that phrase produced no real results other than that there’s a co-parenting app called “Fayr” and “Pary” is slang for “party” in Mexican Spanish.

So, hey, maybe me and this guy were just married at some point and now we host parties about how to co-parent our adult child. Still doesn’t explain the glove, but I’ll take it.

Also, there’s only one appropriate prompt left at this point.

Run

Time to hit the road before the consequences of whatever misdeed Photoshop just tried to frame me for in the above image come to town. For my last prompt, I type the word “run” and all hell breaks loose.

Are those my disguises? Is that my new name up there at the top? If so is it words or just sounds? Is the guy in the last picture half sheep? Why am I so good at disguises? Let’s see option two.

Well who the hell is this now? Somewhere in the fucking metaverse or whatever the shit, this guy exists, and this version of me lives there now too. We are friends. A team. We are on the run. It is exhilarating. I’ve never known such happiness. My hands are semi-normal here. Finally, I am free.

Well shit. So much for freedom. Looks like I have been apprehended, probably by the same narcs who shot down my “murder” prompt earlier.

Oh, and I think I’m a baby now? If nothing else, I seem to have taken on very baby-like proportions in this third result for my “run” prompt.

Maybe that’s what it says in that indecipherable text that only exists in the parallel Photoshop timeline where I’m now under arrest for a crime I didn’t commit.

“Crime: Fayr Pary. Sentence: Is baby now.” There’s no way that’s not what it says.

This leaves me with just one ethical option. I have to uninstall the beta version of Photoshop, so the universe this tortured baby felon version of me lives in ceases to exist. It is the only right thing to do.