I Downloaded The Voice App: The Expectation of Bloodshed
It's time for the goddamn battle rounds.
Grab your guns, it’s time for another recap of the hit NBC reality singing competition The Voice!
The last time I oiled up for combat, my team looked like this.
Plus some other people who aren’t showing up for screen cap limitation reasons.
It doesn’t matter, though. As I’ve mentioned at length before, I’m very behind in watching these episodes, probably because I have to write approximately 2,500 words about each one. The show is well into the battle rounds by now. For all I know, my entire team is dead already. Let’s open that app and find out.
Exactly as I’d expect, it comes to pass that my team is built of hearty stock and, as I write this, everyone has survived their respective battles. I trust there was plenty of violence involved.
Confession! The battle rounds actually started at the end of the last episode, but I didn’t mention it in my last column, so there’s literally no way you’d know that.
The competition was between Austin Montgomery and Tanner Fussell, two country types who are not on Team Adam.
In the battle rounds, two contestants from the same team (Blake’s team, in this case) duet on a song. Whoever the coach decides was the best gets to stay on the team, the other is killed dead right there on the spot, like a racehorse with a broken leg.
Either that or they’re stolen by another coach or saved by their own coach. Each coach gets one save and one steal to use during the battle rounds. You don’t give a shit about any of this, do you?
Austin and Tanner are here to throw down on a very neat version of “Folsom Prison Blues” by Johnny Cash. Austin wins. Tanner is not saved. Authorities are dispatched to notify his family.
Up next, two contestants from Team Gwen. Since we were already talking about how this show works, it’s worth mentioning here that, during the battle rounds, the coaches bring in a “celebrity advisor” to help coach their team. Gwen Stefani has chosen Sean Paul, leading me to wonder if either of the teens competing in this battle even remember his one hit that came out when they were barely walking.
The teens in question are Jillian Jordyn and Rowan Grace. They would both probably be thrilled to hear me say they are very reminiscent of Olivia Rodrigo. Not enough so that either of them are on my team, though, so this battle is a very low pressure affair for me.
They’re singing a Lauren Spencer Smith song. I don’t know Lauren Spencer Smith or this song, but I do know that Rowan Grace is a way better singer than Jillian Jordyn. She wins the battle. Jillian is fed to a pack of rabid wolves waiting stage side. It’s brutal. Just like that Olivia Rodrigo song.
The next contestants willing to die a warrior’s death for this shit are Dia Malai and Valarie Harding. They’re singing “Bust Your Windows” by Jazmine Sullivan, who has also been plucked from the clutches of one-hit-wonder-dom to serve as coach John Legend’s celebrity advisor.
If you recall, in one of these articles, I expressed a bunch of regret for not choosing Dia for Team Adam. John Legend makes me feel better about that decision by choosing Valarie as the winner of this battle. I disagree with John’s decision, but am honor bound to accept it. No one saves Dia. The sound of approaching bootsteps foretell her eventual fate.
The thing about the battle round episodes is that they really pad those out with lots of filler content. So we’re almost done with night one of the battles even though were only about 75 words into this column.
The last battle of the night is between Morgan Myles and Steven McMorran, both members of Team Camila. As her celebrity advisor, Camila has chosen Charlie Puth. You’ll have to watch the actual episode to see it, but it’s pretty clear that neither contestant actually knows what Charlie Puth looks like when they walk in the room.
Morgan and Steven are singing “Wrecking Ball” by Miley Cyrus. Ever heard it?
They’re both great and I sorta regret that neither of them are on my team. But also we’re all close to the same age. If any of us were supposed to make it, we would have by now. Morgan’s dream carries on a bit longer when Camila picks her as the winner. Steven goes back to his boring-ass life writing hit songs for other artists.
Except no he doesn’t! Camila absolutely wastes her save on Steven. Everyone is safe, at least until they face off with the unstoppable force that is Team Adam.
Mercifully, the first battle round episode is short. Around 45 minutes provided you pay for the ad-free version of Peacock like winners do. So let’s move on to episode nine, which is technically night two of the battle rounds.
Team Camila ended the last episode, and Team Camila is kicking off this next episode. This time around, the two contestants trying to keep each other from crawling out of the crab pot are Ava Lynn Thuresson and Orlando Mendez (aka the Cuban Cowboy).
I don’t care if either of these two get t-shirt cannoned into the official Voice firepits at the end of this battle. They are not on my team. They might as well not exist.
For reasons unknown, they are singing “Rocket Man” by Elton John.
Here’s the thing…Orlando is shockingly good on this song. I still don’t fuck with his brand of country music, but he sounded pretty great on this. He wins and he deserves it. Ava Lynn Thuresson is extraordinary renditioned to Norway while the studio audience watches in silent and complicit horror.
Finally, we reach a battle that involves a member of Team Adam. Jay Allen is facing off against Worcester, Massachusetts’ own Cara Brandisi.
Jay Allen is a star. He makes a fun joke about being happy that he’s paired with Cara because they’re both short. They’re duetting on “Leather and Lace” by Stevie Nicks and Don Henley. Here’s hoping this battle doesn’t end the same way that relationship did!
Both contestants are legitimately good, but Cara Brandisi wins the battle, which is some absolute bullshit.
But twist! Gwen Stefani uses her save to keep Jay Allen on her team. But then, Blake Shelton, aka the other Gwen Stefani, uses his steal to try to lay claim to Jay Allen. So now Jay gets to decide if he wants to stay on Team Gwen or join Team Blake.
He issues a callback to his blind auditions performance and tells Gwen “please forgive me, but I think I’m gonna go with your husband.” I like Jay’s energy. I’m glad he’s still on Team Adam and that we technically remain undefeated.
The next battle is between Nia Skyfer and Emma Brooke. Emma is Team Adam, Nia is not. I have obvious loyalties here. They’re singing a Tate McRae song. You know, Tate McRae.
Emma Brooke from the absolutely bulletproof Team Adam wins handily. Nia Skyfer is driven away in an unmarked van to the official The Voice black site where no lawyer can find her.
Team Adam keeps their teeth bared for the next battle. That Bodie guy with the neck tattoo (and no other defining features) versus that Jaeden Luke guy with the mullet.
Bodie has his neck tattoo covered with a whole bunch of choker necklaces, because there is no God in the battle rounds. Both contestants are on Team Blake. His celebrity advisor is country singer Jimmie Allen and I would be absolutely floored if both of them didn’t need to be told who that is before they walked in the room.
Bodie and Jaeden have been tasked with singing Justin Bieber’s “As Long As You Love Me,” which is a very good song from back in the days before Justin Bieber could buy Molson Ice without a fake ID.
It’s an excellent performance, but only one can win, and as a member of the absolute strike force that is Team Adam, that winner is Bodie. Jaeden Luke catches a break and is stolen by Camila Cabello.
The next pair entering the octagon are 21-year-old Grace Bello, and 13-year-old Reina Ley. They are Team Camila on the show. Reina Ley has the advantage of also being Team Adam, meaning she is going to absolutely lay waste to the sorta-adult she’s confronted with in this battle.
They sing “Time After Time” by Cyndi Lauper and, sure enough, Reina Ley drops the goddamn hammer on Grace Bello. It seems like Grace went into it knowing she was gonna lose. She’s so nervous talking to the coaches after the battle ends that an impromptu rash breaks out on her chest.
I feel legitimately bad for her. Especially after a huge metal claw descends from the ceiling and flings Grace Bello through the roof and into the airplane-gridlocked skies of Los Angeles, as the rules of the show demand.
The last battle of the evening pits Team Gwen contestants Justin Aaron and Destiny Leigh in a fight to see who can make Mary J. Blige’s “No More Drama” slightly less annoying. I have problems of my own, you know?
Justin and Destiny are both really strong singers. I think Team Adam was full by the time I saw Justin in the blind auditions. Destiny is one of those contestants who was barely shown in the audition rounds at all. The show does that sometimes. Get off my back.
You know, this song really is less annoying as a duet. These two fucking murder it, but Destiny is the only one with her first initial bedazzled into her forehead. That is undeniable star power right there.
Nevertheless, Justin is chosen as the winner. But also Gwen uses her save on Destiny. Everyone is safe.
The gods that pass judgement in The Voice afterlife rumble in dissatisfaction at having been denied a final sacrifice of the night.
Meanwhile, Team Adam remains fully intact. For now.