I Downloaded The Voice App: The Bombed Out Road to the Finals
The end is nigh
Knife up! It’s time for another recap of the hit NBC reality singing competition, The Voice!
At last check in, we’d made it all the way through the live top 13 performances and all but two soldiers in the Team Adam army had perished.
All we’re left with now are 17-year-old Parijita Bastola and Bodie with the Neck Tattoo, who I’m just now noticing also does not capitalize the first letter in his name. Sorry bud, I know we’re all entitled to be addressed the way we want to be addressed, but spelling actual names with lowercase letters is a bridge too far for me. For as long as you’re on this team, you will be Bodie with a capital B (and the Neck tattoo).
For the live top 10 episode, the fans get to pick what songs each contestant performs. I’m skeptical. America rarely chooses anything correctly.
In this case, for Team Adam’s Parijita Bastola, they’ve chosen “Scars to Your Beautiful” by Alessia Cara.
Parijita is opening the show, which is never a good sign. People have to vote at the end of this, so the closer to the end you go up, the better. Her performance is good, but I think the fans chose wrong. When it comes time to vote at the end the independents in the audience aren’t gonna remember this performance. The coaches’ words say that they were into it, but the tone of their voice does not.
The audience also fails young Rowan Grace from Rapid City, South Dakota. For her, they chose “I Love You” by Billie Eilish, approximately the most boring Billie Eilish song available.
Also, that melody veers suspiciously close to the melody from “Hallelujah” by Leonard Cohen. Ever heard it?
Anyway, Rowan does an admirable job singing the song while the ever present threat of the same lasers that burned J-Lo’s shoulder in the “Waiting For Tonight” video hover overhead.
The coaches seem to agree that this was a terrible song choice. They are far less forgiving in their criticism of Rowan than they were with Parijita, likely owing in large part to the credibility boost that the latter of the two gets from being a part of Team Adam.
Speaking of poor song choices, America has decided that Team Gwen’s Justin Aaron should dust off “Just Once” by Quincy Jones and James Ingram…
…despite this song being old enough that the oldest coach on The Voice said they forgot it even existed.
The coaches give him a standing ovation and heap lots of praise on him. Justin has a lot going for him and I like his chances of making the finals, all while hoping someone from Team Adam absolutely lays waste to him once we get there.
Up next, 16-year-old Brayden Lape is singing some modern country bullshit I don’t care the least bit about. Let’s skip it. I’ve got four episodes to get through before the two-night finale starts, and that’s tonight. The clock is ticking!
Before we jump right to Lowercase Bodie with the Neck Tattoo, there is one performance from the live top 10 round worth mentioning. I very strongly considered adding Morgan Myles to Team Adam in the early rounds of the competition, and I sure as shit should have. The audience picked “Tennessee Whiskey” by Chris Stapleton for her and she performs the motherfucking fuck out of it.
It probably helps that the producers made her look more like a professional musician fronting a band as opposed to the usual “karaoke singer with no friends” aesthetic most contestants get onstage.
But also, she’s been performing for damn near two decades, and it shows. She’s really great. It’s a shame I will witness her eventual destruction before this is all over.
Bodie is up next. The audience has decided he should sing some TikTok song called “golden hour” which is a good fit because it also does not properly capitalize its name. Same for JVKE, the person who sings it.
I’ve never heard this song, but it matches B(b)odie’s “Sublime but make it Jesus” vibe perfectly and he does a fantastic job singing it, probably. Blake says it’s the greatest performance he’s ever seen on the show. I’m personally still partial to this performance of “Hotline Bling” from 2015…
…but still, I’m glad Bodie with the Neck Tattoo did well. We are family, after all.
The next night’s elimination episode is a whole bunch of jibber-jabber and guest performances that mean nothing to me. So let’s just move on to who America saved.
Morgan Myles
Omar Jose Cardona
Justin Aaron
Brayden Lape
Bryce Leatherwood
B(b)odie With the Neck Tattoo
Parijita Bastola
Team Adam cruises to the semi-finals, exactly as we’d all expect. Right? You were all expecting that, too?
This leaves Rowan Grace, Kim Cruse, and that Kique weirdo who collects reptiles to battle it out for the last spot in the semi-finals.
During the weapons selection process, South Dakota’s Rowan Grace chooses a hunting rifle like she’s never heard of a stereotype before. Kim Cruse wraps her fists in tape, dips them in glue, and then dips them in a vat of glass shards. Kique is wielding a Komodo Dragon attached to a chain.
Also, he has to fight from a remote location because he has covid, putting him at both a tactical advantage and disadvantage both.
Kim Cruse somehow emerges from the melee victorious and then shatters all expectations by performing a Brooks and Dunn song in celebration.
Kique and Rowan Grace have not been seen in public since. Thoughts and prayers.
So, that brings us to the live top 8 semifinals. This time around, everyone is singing Whitney Houston songs. Should be pretty easy. If I recall correctly she’s not one of the greatest singers in the history of music or anything.
Except those are separate performances. They’ll be duetting with other contestants on the Whitney songs. The jury is instructed to ignore them for voting purposes. I, on the other hand, only want to talk about the Whitney Houston performances.
Unfortunately, somehow none of that shit is on YouTube, so I guess we’re just talking about whatever regular-ass songs everyone is performing. Gross.
The first song that counts comes from Justin Aaron, who is performing “Stand Up” by Cynthia Erivo, who I have only known as an actor up to this point.
It’s a powerful performance, due in large part to the pyrotechnics and 15-person team of backup singers he’s allowed to bring onstage with him.
Up next, Brayden Lape is here to sing some country bullshit that I could not possibly care less about.
On the bright side, Team Adam’s Parijita Bastola is on deck. She’s performing “Unstoppable” by Sia.
It’s a very inspirational performance and I’m genuinely excited about my team’s chances of taking this crown home. That said, I’m kinda over being inspired at this point, if I’m being completely honest.
You know the show is into this performance, though, because Parijita gets to perform with like eight other Parijitas, all of whom were no doubt produced in the official The Voice cloning facility where the war criminals who run this show practice their execution techniques.
The coaches are all enthusiastic in their praise, but we’ve hit the point in the show where that is always going to be the case no matter what contestant is onstage. There are only eight of them left. It stands to reason that most of them won’t be explicitly terrible.
Speaking of that, in between real performances, B(b)odie and Brayden throw down on a version of Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” that could be described exactly that same way. Not explicitly terrible. But, again, internet laws apparently forbid me from embedding it here.
The next performance that matters is Kim Cruse’s take on “Summertime” from the opera Porgy and Bess.
Hey, sure. I’m not tired of hearing that song on shows like this at all. Her performance is fine. She’s a really great singer, but this song just bores the shit out of me these days.
The next actual, non-Whitney Houston duet performance comes from Omar Jose Cardona, who is singing Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” like a real fucking dorkstore.
But also he sings the absolute shit out of it. So much so that I’m concerned he might win the whole show. It’s so good Gwen Stefani jokingly accuses him of lip syncing. It might be the best vocal performance I’ve ever seen on this show. Goddamn you, Omar. Why did you have to sing Journey in your audition? We could’ve been contenders!
The only flaw in the performance happens when a riser lifts him into the sky for the final and very huge notes. It’s a neat performance moment, but also that riser moves very slow, so everyone has to wait for him to descend back to earth before Carson Daly can talk to him. They cut that part from the YouTube video.
Up next is Bodie with the Neck Tattoo. He’s performing “Without Me” by Halsey. I don’t think I’ve ever heard this song?
His performance confirms that is indeed the case. But also B(b)odie is a goddamn star and should win this whole thing. He’s out here knocking shit out of the park in mesh t-shirt sleeves and JNCO jeans.
That is star power with a capital STARPOWER. The crowd literally chants his name at the end of the performance and they keep it up while Camila tries to complement him on his performance because they don’t respect her in the slightest, which is rude.
Blake rightfully points out that on top of being a great performer, he seems like a good dude too. That is true. If Bodie doesn’t win, we are storming the official The Voice capitol.
But also, Morgan Myles closes out the night singing a very sad Lady Gaga song inspired by some very sad shit that happened in her life.
And she sings it really goddamn well. Not well enough that I want her to win, but well enough that I would want her to win if I didn’t already say I didn’t want her to win. That makes sense. Let’s keep going.
The top 8 eliminations episode opens with a live Blake Shelton performance and that’s a hard no thanks from me. Time to skip ahead to the part where they tell us who dies.
Bryce Leatherwood, Morgan Myles, Brayden Lape, and Bodie all make the finals. Bryce, Brayden, and Bodie are all Team Blake. Only Bodie is Team Adam. Bryce and Brayden can fuck right off, tbh.
That means all of the remaining contestants have to fight it out for the last spot in the finals.
Parijita Bastola sings “To Make You Feel My Love”…
…which I mention mostly just to point out that, despite what your reality singing competition shows might say to the contrary, this is a Bob Dylan song. It is not a Garth Brooks song. It is a Bob Dylan song.
The rest of the contestants sing some other nonsense that I don’t care about.
At the end of the night, the last contestant to make it to the finals is…Omar Jose Cardona. The other three are dead now. I’m sorry the descriptions of their manner of death wasn’t more elaborate. I’ve written a lot of these. I am tired.
The two-night finals start tonight! Bodie is now Team Adam’s official best and last hope. The only way he will lose is if the election was stolen, at which point lawsuits will follow.
I’ll be back later this week to let you know how it all went.