I Downloaded The Voice App: The Blind Auditions Pt. 1
And I will leave only carnage in my wake...
The first official column from this Substack was supposed to be about fascism. But it’s Monday, and you know what that means. Everyone is sad! Also, the long-running NBC hit series The Voice is on! We will give the fascists absolute hell tomorrow.
If you’ve been following my work long enough, you already know I’m a huge fan of The Voice.
It’s hard to even wrap my head around the fact that I’ve been watching this show since before 9/11 happened. But that must be the case, because season 22 just started and I think I know enough about how TV seasons work to do that math.
If it wasn’t already clear by now, NBC is not paying me to write this, even though they damn sure should.
Anyway, if you’re unfamiliar, The Voice, originally called The Voice of America until NBC realized the government owns that name, is a reality singing competition…with a twist! When the contestant first comes out to sing, the four judges have their backs turned. Also those judges are actually called coaches, not judges. They are a benevolent force.
The point of having them turn around is so they can’t judge anyone based on their appearance. That’s for the producers to do way ahead of time.
As for Blake Shelton, he’s just here for the music, buddy. He’s always here. He’s the only coach who’s been on the show for the entirety of its run because, honestly, what the hell else does he have going on? That “Sangria” song is kind of a banger but even a blind squirrel finds a nut sometimes, you know?
As for the rest of the coaches, there are three of them, and they are in a constant state of flux. Adam Levine was on for a long time until he retired to flirt with Instagram models. Cee-Lo was a coach for a while until that wasn’t a good look anymore. Shakira was a coach for a cruelly short amount of time before wild boars dragged her into the forest to face tax evasion charges. The list goes on and on and on.
For season 22, John Legend and Blake Shelton are returning as coaches from last season. Everyone loves John Legend, even if they can only name like three of his songs at best.
Kelly Clarkson was a coach last season but has been replaced by Gwen Stefani this time around. Gonna be honest, in a competition where you’re supposed to be coached by the industry’s very best singers, Kelly Clarkson to Gwen Stefani strikes me as a bit of a cliff dive.
On the other hand, replacing Ariana Grande with Camila Cabello is a lateral move at best, provided you ignore that one of them said the n-word on Tumblr a bunch back in the day.
For this season of The Voice, I’ve decided to approach my fandom in a slightly different way than usual. For one thing, I’m gonna write weekly episode recaps right damn here for you to read.
What’s that? You don’t watch or care about The Voice? Perfect, now you’ll never need to either! You can just read these articles.
Also, to make things more interesting, I downloaded the official Voice app. It’s like a fantasy sports thing. So it’s like watching The Voice with a side of unpaid data entry work. You build a team and compete against other people and, let me tell you, I’m coming for every one of these motherfuckers.
If I end the season atop the leaderboard, I win nothing, and that is fine. Only the winning matters. I had to set up an NBC Universal account for this shit. They know everything now. There’s no turning back. Losing is not an option.
Before embarking upon this journey of laying slay to Midwest soccer moms and impressionable tweens alike with my expertly tuned ear and off the charts pop sensibilities, I decided to read up on how the rules of this bloodsport actually work.
I initially found this sentence about “actions you can take” to earn more points very intriguing…
…until I realized they just meant I should try my best to pick the contestant who eventually wins and open the app whenever possible.
In other words, there are no rules. Chaos is the only rule on the official Voice app.
The Blind Auditions Part One
Now let’s build this goddamn team.
The very first contestant of the season is Morgan Miles. She’s from Nashville, TN and she is here to sing “Hallelujah” just like anyone else.
If it somehow came to pass that I never heard that song again in my life I think I’d be fine. It’s a great song, obviously. But enough already.
All four coaches turn, and sure, she deserves it. She picks Camila Cabello as her coach, which tracks because she also shouted out former Voice contestant Morgan Wallen during her introduction video.
Sorry, that joke might require some research. Whatever the case, Morgan is not for me. Miles or Wallen.
And now here comes some weirdo singing Journey like we’re actually at karaoke. That’s a tall order. You either need to sound exactly like former Journey lead singer Steve Perry or exactly like the guy from the Philippines who sounds exactly like Steve Perry for this to rip properly.
It does not rip properly, but all four coaches turn nevertheless.
I still think I can do better. The seal on Team Adam remains unbroken for now. Oh also that guy’s name is Omar Jose Cardona and he picked John Legend as his coach, if you’re keeping score at home like I am.
Up next, Ian Harrison, 20, from Columbus, Ohio. Ian is in the Dead Dad club like me, so I sincerely hope he’s also a good singer (like me). I’m discouraged when his audition video starts like halfway through the song. Always a bad sign.
No worries, though! Three coaches turn. He picks Gwen. Despite the legitimately heartbreaking origin story, I join Camila Cabello in the resistance. My team cupboard remains barren.
Up next, Tianna Goss! She’s from LA, exactly as it should be. And…oh no. This song choice. Remember “Say It Right” by Nelly Furtado? Neither does this audience or most of the coaches.
Here’s the problem with a song like this, there are like 1,000 Nelly Furtadi singing on that chorus. Tianna is up there by herself. It’s not gonna translate.
It does not translate. No one turns around. Team Adam remains an unpopulated wasteland.
Emma Brooke is next. She’s 19 and from a part of the country that I did not make note of in time to include it here. She’s singing “California Dreamin’” which seems like a weird choice at first, but also Japanese Breakfast has a pretty rad cover of that song so it could be fine.
It is fine! John and Gwen turn. Camila and Blake hate. I do not. Emma Brooke is the founding member of Team Adam.
It’s like she won The Voice already! She picks John Legend as her coach.
The next contestant is from Miami. His name is Orlando Mendez. He’s 26. People call him the Cuban Cowboy. I’m skeptical. Because of the cowboy part, not the Cuban part. Take it easy.
And yeah, within the first line he sings the words “big mouth bass” and I’m out. This is the kind of country music people are talking about when they say they hate country music.
But also this guy will do great on the show because only the middle part of the country watches live television so only their votes matter.
This comes down to a fight between Camila Cabello (Cuban) and Blake Shelton (Cowboy). He picks Camila Cabello. The Cuban Cowboy teams up with the singer of the hit song “Havana” on an American television show and somewhere an FBI file just earned its wings!
Alexis McLaughlin is up next. She’s 25 and she’s been doing this for a bit. She’s singing “Here I Go Again” by Whitesnake. That seems ambitious.
Her performance is really shouty. I’m not a fan. The coaches aren’t into it.
After her is 25 year old David Andrew from Tennessee. He has two first names and fantastic hair. He once spent a day as a stand-in for John Legend, presumably when his hair was shorter or John Legend’s was much longer.
Speaking of John Legend, he’s the first to turn around, followed by Gwen Stefani. They are the only two who turn. It would be very funny if he picked Gwen Stefani after all that “I was you two years ago” buildup. He picks John. I do not pick David Andrew. He’s fine, just not for me.
Jay Allen is next. He’s 36 and hails from the bright lights of Cedar Falls, Iowa. His mom died recently and they are really playing it up. This often spells disaster. The Voice loves to let you watch a person cry about their troubled life then subsequently blow it in the absolute biggest moment of that troubled life.
The first line of his song includes “large mouth fishin’”. Hard pass from me, but Blake and Gwen both turn around.
Jay says his vision for his career is “Chris Daughtry meets Blake Shelton” which is weird because Chris Daughtry is already Chris Daughtry meets Blake Shelton.
I could not pass harder on Jay Allen up to this point, but then they ask him to play a song he wrote for his mom who died of early onset Alzheimer’s and it’s the most emotionally devastating shit…
…and then he follows that up by telling Blake Shelton “I’m picking your wife” and fuck yeah Jay Allen. Welcome to Team Adam. I feel like you have a legitimate shot! At winning The Voice and stealing Blake Shelton’s wife both!
JJ Hill is next. He’s in his 30’s, he’s from Oregon, and he makes magic wands from reclaimed wood that he finds on the beach, in case you’re wondering what he looks like. He says he came up with a spell that will make all the coaches turn their chairs. He sings that Eve 6 song and sounds like he’s out of breath by the time he reaches the “heart in a blender” part.
The spell does not work. He gives each coach a custom made magic wand.
During the break Camila waves her wand and says “I don’t want no magic trick, bring me someone who is sick.” That brings us to 27 year old Kate Kalvach from Oklahoma City, who should probably get tested for Covid based on the lack of details in that spell Camila just cast. Or casted? Is it casted?
However it goes, three coaches turn around. John Legend does not. Given the amount of time left in the episode and Blake Shelton immediately launching into some mute button-based improv, I can tell the show is gonna do that thing where they drag telling us what coach Kate chooses all the way out to the next episode.
Nice try, NBC Universal. Dad’s not watching this live. I skipped to the next episode and it turns out she picked Blake. Gross.
Meanwhile, Team Adam remains a mere skeleton of its future glory.