I Downloaded The Voice App: More Blind Auditions to More Infinity
Does this show put out a new episode every day?
Hide the kids! Pet the dogs! It’s time for another recap of NBC’s hit reality singing competition series, The Voice!
If you’ve been following along at home, and you have been, you know I’m way behind in covering these episodes. I’m still in the blind audition rounds trying to get my team built.
Meanwhile, the show is already on to the battle rounds and some of the people on my team have already been executed for all I know. Speaking of that, here’s what my team looks like currently.
Has it been 12 days since the last of these articles? Are The Dryes okay? I guess we’re about to find out. Let’s dive in to night four of the blind auditions.
The first hopeful coming to the stage is 29-year-old Tanner Howe. He’s singing a Shawn Mendes song as if he’s just intentionally trying to break Camila Cabello’s heart all over again. Those two dated for a long time and broke up not too long ago. You knew that.
Camila’s feelings are also meaningless to her fellow coaches, who all turn their chairs even though Tanner is probably gonna get fucking bodied during the battle rounds. I stand with Camila Cabello. Tanner will not be joining Team Adam. He picks Gwen Stefani as his coach. Girl code is dead.
The next audition is one of those where you, the viewer, also do not get to see the singer in question until at least one coach turns around. I always expect that means they’re gonna turn to find someone singing with one eye or some shit, but it’s usually just that the person has a deeper voice than you’d expect to see coming from their otherwise regular face.
That’s exactly what’s going on with 25-year-old Sydney Kronmiller. She’s singing “Latch” by Sam Smith and her voice is deep as heck.
Also deep…the part where Sydney throws her mom under the bus a little for falling into alcoholism after she divorced Sydney’s dad. Save it for when you’re famous, Sydney.
Also, welcome to Team Adam. You sound like you swallowed a different person and are singing with their voice instead and I like it.
Except, there’s a problem. When I login to The Voice app for the first time in days, there’s good news and there’s bad news. The good news is that I’m 45,500 points richer and I have no idea why.
The bad news is two-fold. For starters, remember Julia Aslanli? The girl who met her suspiciously much older looking fiancé as a sophomore in high school and had a kid with him immediately upon turning 18?
Well, pour one out for a real one, because apparently she did not survive the battle rounds.
Even worse, apparently Sydney Kronmiller did not survive either, because when I went to add her to my team, she wasn’t even listed as an option anymore. This two-headed turn of events is wreaking havoc on my confidence in my viability as a coach on The Voice in the future.
Also, we’ve clearly hit a crisis point in the timeline. I still have somewhere in the neighborhood of four blind audition episodes to get through before I can even dream of catching up with this show.
So, to that end, I’m gonna streamline things a bit. The rest of this column will just cover the contestants deemed interesting enough to talk about/make fun of from the next few episodes. It will be another ten minutes or so of reading for you, and another five to six consecutive hours of watching The Voice for me. Internet content magic!
That brings us to 17-year-old Parijita Bastola. Her family is originally from Nepal and she’s got a whole lot of personality. The family’s story is a huge bummer, in large part because of US immigration laws, so I’m in her corner immediately. At least until she abuses my trust by not singing up to my expectations.
She’s performing “Jealous” by the band Labrinth, who Google tells me is actually just one guy from those Cadillac commercials as opposed to an entire band.
I know nothing of that song or Labrinth, but Parijita sings the shit out of it and all four coaches turn their chairs. Hey, who am I to rock the boat? Time is of the essence. Welcome to Team Adam, Parijita Bastola!
She picks John Legend as her coach. I probably would too, if I’m being completely honest. He seems really nice.
That takes us to the end of night four of the blind auditions.
On to episode five! Kicking off this night’s party is Kique. He’s 18, he’s Cuban, he’s from Miami, he’s bisexual, he collects reptiles.
Guess which of those qualities gets him barred from Team Adam before he even sings?
It’s the reptiles. Sorry for not giving you more time to answer, I felt like I was playing with fire leaving the question open to the audience.
Up next, The Marilynds. They are a duo. They are sisters who have both held the title of Miss Maryland in the past. Seems like probably the not too distant past, if you know what I mean.
I mean they’re both very pretty.
They’re singing “What If I Never Get Over You” by Lady A, a band who changed their name because it was kinda racist and then immediately sued a black blues musician over the rights to that new name.
I don’t know this song, but they sound good singing it. Hey, why not? Welcome to Team Adam!
They choose John Legend as their coach, but who cares? Team Adam is in crisis mode. We are running out of show to get this team built with. Let’s stay focused.
Speaking of that, the next addition to Team Adam is 30-year-old Lana Love.
She’s got heavy musical theater vibes, but she also has a great voice and is singing a really interesting cover of “Candy” by Mandy Moore.
On top of all that, she lives behind a dog rescue in Glendale, so we’re basically neighbors. Or at least I wish we were neighbors. I’m trying to see those dogs.
Only John Legend turns his chair. The rest of the coaches are dumb.
Up next of interest to Team Adam is Bodie, 29, from Ladera Ranch, California. If you ever visit, tell ‘em Adam sent ya! No one will have any idea what you’re talking about.
Bodie kicks off his intro interview talking about how people shouldn’t get the wrong idea about him just because he has a neck tattoo.
Here’s the thing, Bodie. Your neck tattoo says “praise.” You’re only scaring the devil with that ink.
He’s here to sing “You Found Me” by The Fray. What’s interesting about The Fray is that if you don’t like that band you are a straight up asshole. They’re so good.
Bodie suffered a bout of alopecia in high school and lost most of his hair. It started growing back near the end of his time in high school but has recently started turning white. I’m sure that was all very traumatic and bad for Bodie, but it does give him a damn interesting look.
Also, his performance of that song by The Fray absolutely rules and he seems like a good dude. Welcome to Team Adam, Bodie! He picked Blake as his coach, if you care.
With that, Team Adam is completely full! This has to be a huge bummer for the remaining contestants.
As for me, I still have at least one and a half more episodes of blind auditions to get through, and I will not cheat you. Those episodes will get watched. I’ll just use the rest of this space to mourn the loss of any contestant I could have picked if I’d been more patient.
Case in point, 26-year-old Dia Malai. She’s from Queens and has a fantastic set of afro-puffs on her head. She reminds me of Nicki Minaj minus the “married to a registered sex offender” stink.
She’s performing “Real Love” by Mary J. Blige and she is very good. Not even so much her voice, she’s just a good performer and has a good look.
I wish she was on Team Adam. If my sense of ethics wasn’t so robust, I could just cut a motherfucker and replace them with Dia, but it’s fine. I’m a professional.
If we’re talking people I do not need on Team Adam, let’s talk about The Little Miss. She’s 31, she lives in Los Angeles, and she really does call herself The Little Miss even though she totes has a government name. She dresses like the good Hank Williams but says she grew up listening to Incubus. I’m highly suspect of her motivations.
You can tell no coaches turned their chair for her because there aren’t any pictured in the thumbnail of that video. Just a little factoid to dazzle your friends with the next time you’re all gathered together throwing down on a marathon of YouTube videos from season 22 of The Voice.
After a couple more less contrived contestants, we reach the end of night six and move on to night seven. I’m getting closer to being current, because this episode is half blind auditions and half battle rounds. Soon, the killings will start.
Until then, there are a few more auditions to get through.
One of the most entertaining comes from 34-year-old Justin Aaron from Junction City, Kansas.
He sings John Legend’s “Glory” and his performance is good. Enough so that a few coaches turn. What makes his performance worthy of inclusion here, though, is not the quality of the vocals. It’s the moment when he picks Gwen Stefani as his coach and she gifts him this comically small sweatshirt as a show of thanks.
The last audition of note comes from 22-year-old Jaeden Luke from Woodinville, Washington. He has a silly mullet and a silly face to match, and you can tell he’s gonna be at least kinda good from the way the locals are looking at him when he performs in his intro video.
And he is! He performs a very nice version of “Make It With You” by Bread…
…and flirts with Camila Cabello a bit and picks Blake as his coach. I wish Jaeden was on my team. Someday, Jaeden. Someday.
The last of the blind auditions comes from 26-year-old Nia Skyfer. She’s from Cuba and is performing a Camila Cabello song, so she almost certainly wants to pick Blake as her coach. Unfortunately for her, the only team with spots remaining is Team John.
John does turn his chair for her, but only after asking Camila if he should. That feels a little cheap to me, but whatever, welcome to The Voice, Nia Skyfer.
That brings us to the battle rounds, which start right in the damn middle of episode seven. Before that happens, though, all of the coaches team up to perform Camila Cabello’s “Havana”.
The thing about that song is that if you don’t like it, you can fuck off for a thousand lifetimes. It is so good. What is wrong with you? I swear I would stab you in the neck if we ever met in the battle rounds.
And hey, those are up next! Stay tuned!
Also, if you haven’t read the previous installments