I Downloaded The Voice App: I Guess We Should Talk About Who Won

Somehow this information has not been spoiled for me yet

Do some goddamn pushups! It’s time for another recap of the hit NBC reality singing competition series The Voice!

When we last left off, it was 2022 and episodes of this show were still airing. It feels like that was weeks ago.

Also, the contestants had been narrowed down to the final five, Bodie with the Neck Tattoo and four other motherfuckers who are not Team Adam and thus might as well not exist.

For some reason, the finale is broken up into two episodes with some kind of bonus episode in the middle. Because sure, I’m made of free time.

Bodie is kicking off the first night of the finale performing a Harry Styles song. I know it will get me run right out of England for saying it, but I don’t really fuck with Harry Styles. His music is fine but I feel like he gets enough support from the world at large. He doesn’t need mine too.

I guess this song is fine? Not what I would’ve picked to represent Team Adam right out of the gate, but it’s fine.

In between contestants, in the name of justifying making this spectacle into three whole episodes, the coaches take the stage and sing some Christmas bullshit that I don’t care about.

When the actual show starts up again, contestant Morgan Myles is singing “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler, a song that half of America thinks is called “Turn Around Bright Eyes”.

Here’s the thing…I know the coaches are gonna love it, but I found this performance screechy as fuck.

The next contestant to take the stage is 15-year-old Brayden Lape. He kicks things off by reading a letter he wrote about how his family is super supportive of all his dreams. I know I’m supposed to be mad about that, but I’ve never been fully onboard with the war on supportive parents. I’d be perfectly fine with all parents being supportive of their kids’ dreams and goals.

All that said, Brayden’s performance is boring as shit and his family should be ashamed.

After a few repeated listens, I think I was able to identify the problem with his performance. It’s that Tim McGraw sucks and so do all of his songs.

Up next, Omar Jose Cardona is here to pretend Michael Jackson’s highly questionable sexual history has no bearing at all on his status as a performer worthy of covering on The Voice.

That’s just one problem with this performance. The other is that he’s taking on what is arguably Michael Jackson’s least coverable song.

That song literally only works with Michael Jackson’s voice. Also, Omar doesn’t do this move from the video even once onstage.

Why even be up there at all, dude? That said, he does take some time out to perform a little microphone trick that does not go well.

Whoops! That look of panic made for a very nice recovery. Also, the coaches love his performance, so what the hell do I know? I mean, with only five contestants left they’re gonna go easy on everyone. Still, they seemed to be into it for real.

Up next is Bryce Leatherwood singing some country ballad bullshit that I could not possibly care less about. Ditto for Brayden Lape. Let’s just move on.

The next performance of merit is Morgan Myles throwing down on a Little Big Town song.

I’m into it because I fuck with Little Big Town. They are essentially the country music Fleetwood Mac, except for the part where all the songs by the dudes in the band are trash. But go ahead and try to tell me a single goddamn thing about the song “All Summer” for example.

You can’t. You cannot tell me shit about that song. Unless you want to tell me that it’s good, and even then stay in your lane. I already know it’s good.

Anyway, Morgan’s performance is fine. It’s fine! Everyone has been fine so far. Maybe they should all win. Who needs rules when we’re all living in a simulation anyway?

There’s another performance from Bryce Leatherwood’s county ass after Morgan and, once again, I am just not here for it.

The next performance of concern is Team Adam’s Bodie with the Neck Tattoo. He’s singing “Gratitude” by Brandon Lake.

I don’t know who that is. I’ve never heard this song. I think this might be my least favorite episode of The Voice of all-time. Maybe they should just go without a winner this year?

The last performance of the night comes from Omar Jose Cardona. He’s singing “Somebody To Love” by Queen, because of course he is.

He delivers his performance with the skill and dexterity of a bar band singer who is good enough to adequately pull off a Freddie Mercury vocal. The coaches love it. I don’t love it.

Also, call me crazy, but I feel like Omar might be getting a little more help onstage than the other contestants.

Just a hunch. I’m sure I’m overthinking it. Either way, his performance is the last of the night.

That takes us to the “Live Cutdown Show” which is apparently a one hour episode that aired before the actual finale. It includes reflections on the contestants’ performances from the night before.

Not for me. Sorry. This is exactly the kind of late season bullshit I routinely skip when it comes to The Voice. If no one is dying, I have no reason to watch. Let’s just power on to the for real finale episode.

This time around, the coaches are performing with their surviving team members. Blake Shelton and Bryce Leatherwood kick things off and, once again, I am unmoved. If your song has the word “hillbilly” in it and you aren’t Steve Earle, I almost certainly do not care.

In between contestant performances, we’re treated to a jam sesh from the band One Republic. Question: Is there any band that looks more like a group of undercover cops than One Republic?

If your band sucks you have to tell me.

Anyway, taking the stage next are Omar Jose Cardona and his coach, John Legend. They’re singing “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” by Stevie Wonder.

Sure. After that is a performance from Adam Lambert and, exactly as you’d expect, a drop-in from Howie Mandel.

They’re really dragging out the part where they just tell us who fucking won already. Case in point, there’s a performance from last year’s winner, A Girl Named Tom.

It serves as a reminder that who wins this show ultimately does not matter, because we will never hear from them again.

There are more performances. A lot more. Like Morgan Myles and Camila Cabello cheating a little by throwing down on a Camila Cabello song.

Also Bodie and Blake sing a Blake song.

Can we just get this over with already? No, we cannot. There’s still a Kelly Clarkson Christmas song performance and some kind of Blake Shelton sitcom skit to go at least before we get any actual results.

I watched every single second and didn’t skip any of it. I swear on your mother’s life.

Which brings us to Carson Daly slowly and methodically reading off the results, starting with fifth place. That spot goes to Brayden Lape, who continues to bring shame to his family with a last place showing.

The judges hug him on the way out. John Legend, last in line, plunges a dagger into Brayden’s unsuspecting kidney at the last possible moment.

In fourth place is Omar Jose Cardona. A large truck chases him offstage. It is a race Omar will not win.

That leaves three contestants and Carson Daly is ready to announce the winner! And that winner is…Bryce Leatherwood? Further proof that Americans should not be allowed to vote on anything.

In the pandemonium that follows, most don’t even see Bodie with the Neck Tattoo and Morgan Myles being dragged away by the official The Voice goon squad, their screams of terror drowned out by the hoots and hollers of those celebrating Bryce’s unlikely win.

And that brings us to the conclusion of season 22 of The Voice.

Team Adam lost a lot of souls over the course of this war, but I take solace in knowing every single one of them deserved their fate for not being the champion I needed them to be.

Here’s hoping Team Adam puts up a better showing when The Voice returns for season 23 like a week from now or some shit.