I Downloaded The Voice App: Blind Auditions To Infinity

I gotta start watching this show more often

Heavy metal, dude! It’s time for another recap of NBC’s hit reality singing competition The Voice! This time around, I’m covering parts two and three of the Blind Audition round.

That’s at the very least.

If you’re following along at home, you know I have a lot of catching up to do. It’s damn near time for the next season already in the real world and here we are stuck in the blind audition round in this newsletter.

You might recall from the last entry in this series that I’m also playing along this season on The Voice app and, so far, my team looks like this.

Very small. Very white. Let’s fix that!

The first contestant is Reina Ley, a 13-year-old mariachi singer.

Camila Cabello turns her chair immediately, Gwen Stefani needlessly risks carpal tunnel syndrome by doing the same. Reina picks Camila Cabello as her coach, obviously.

And hey, if there’s one thing my own team is lacking at the moment, it’s children. Welcome to Team Adam, Reina Ley!

The next hopeful coming to the stage is 22-year-old Bryce Leatherwood. He seems like a good dude whose music I will hate immensely. If the song he performs doesn’t include a reference to fishing in the first 35 seconds I will be absolutely floored.

He’s singing the Blake Shelton version of a Conway Twitty song.

His voice is great and, just as promised, I could not possibly care less. Three coaches turn. Camila Cabello is the lone hold out. He decides to join Team Blake. He will not be joining Team Adam.

The next contestant is just named Koko. That rules. She’s a 31-year-old cruise ship band singer. That also rules.

Unfortunately, her performance does not. She sings “About Damn Time” by Lizzo and either I’ve somehow never heard this song or she is performing it in a radically different fashion than usual.

The coaches are not into it. No one turns around.

Alyssa Witrado is up next. She’s 19, she’s from somewhere in California that is not Los Angeles. Her parents are divorced, and she is not taking it well. She’s here to sing “Don’t Speak” right to Gwen Stefani’s unsuspecting face.

She does a great job. She has really good stage presence. Camila and Gwen turn their chairs immediately. Camila Cabello commends her for not trying to copy Gwen Stefani’s tone because “people sound bad when they do that” and it kinda feels like unintentional shade. Alyssa picks Gwen as her coach. It’s a pass for me, though.

The next contestant is just named Devix, which I’m uncomfortable with if we’re being completely honest. He’s singing “Heat Waves” which I definitely knew was a Glass Animals song without having to Google it.

Most contestants bring along family to cheer for them during their audition. Devix just brought his friends. I have questions. But later on he explains that his mom has cerebral palsy and I feel like a huge piece of shit.

Welcome to Team Adam, Devix!

Three coaches turn their chairs for Devix. Blake does not. Devix reveals that he lives in York, Pennsylvania and John Legend wants to know why. It’s a valid question that’s never answered to my full satisfaction. He picks Camila Cabello as his coach.

The next gladiator entering the ring is 22-year-old Chello. He’s one of those “bend at the waist and make music leaning over a laptop” types. You know what I’m saying. He also only brought two friends with him and, if I’m being honest, they get along a little too well for my taste. Chello’s friends genuinely love and support him and it shows. Yuck.

He’s performing “Just the Two Of Us” by Bill Withers and Grover Washington Jr.

Sacrilege. Leave that song alone, reality singing competitions. Hard pass for me. Chello picks Camila as his coach.

Up next, Kevin Hawkins. He’s singing Stevie Wonder’s “Isn’t She Lovely” from the comfort of his very finest silken pajamas.

Three of the four judges turn their chairs before we even get to see Kevin’s face. He’s really good.

Kevin shatters all racial expectations and picks Blake as his coach.

Because you see, while there are always four coaches, I honestly do not remember a season when there was more than one black coach. Because of that, whenever a black coach turns their chair for a black contestant, the remaining coaches immediately go into “well we know who you’re gonna pick” mode.

To be fair, Gwen Stefani blocked John Legend when he turned his chair, so Kevin couldn’t have picked him anyway.

Also, welcome to team Adam, Kevin Hawkins!

Ladies and gentlemen, coming to the stage, Sadie Bass. She’s from Bath, Michigan but lives in Nashville, Tennessee. She keeps stressing that she has stage fright and isn’t confident in her voice, so things are going great immediately.

She’s singing “Stupid Boy” by Keith Urban. I’ve never heard it.

For the longest time during her performance, it seems like no one is going to turn their chair for her and I am genuinely concerned for Sadie’s mental wellbeing if things remain that way.

Fortunately, Blake and Gwen, who are essentially the same person at this point, both turn their chair. Sadie picks Gwen as her coach.

I, meanwhile, have room for nothing short of the utmost confidence on Team Adam. Sadie does not make the cut.

The next contestant goes by the name She-J. Allow her to explain. She and her brother both have the initials CJ. So, as kids, people would call her brother “He-J” and they’d call her “She-J.” Eventually, she settled on that as a stage name. Cute!

In the leadup to her performance, her dad starts absolutely sobbing when talking about how powerful of a singer she is. It sure would be rough if no one turns their chair for her after all of that.

Sure enough, no one turns their chair. The coaches’ rebuke of She-J’s dad’s take on her singing is swift and authoritative.

Next, we are confronted with Brayden Lape. He is 15-years-old and approximately eight feet tall. He’s from Grass Lake, Michigan. Sound off in the comments about your favorite places to eat in Grass Lake, readers!

He’s singing a Niall Horan song and, hey, you didn’t need to tell me that! Actually you did. In fact, at one point Camila has to kinda tell all the other coaches that this is a Niall Horan song.

Only Blake turns his chair. Brayden isn’t the best singer, but he’s young and pretty and hopefully Blake can beat the imperfections out of his voice over the course of the show. Figuratively, of course.

I’m gonna roll the dice on Brayden Lape. Welcome to Team Adam, kid!

The final hopeful of night two is Peyton Aldridge. He’s a 25-year-old assistant basketball coach from Cleveland. The one in Mississippi though, not the “cool” one.

I can tell Peyton is coming out here to sing some country tunes. The “no songs about fishing” rule still stands for Team Adam. Just a heads up, Peyton.

As luck would have it, he’s just singing a sorta country song. The Marshall Tucker Band’s “Can’t You See.”

John Legend turns his chair first. Gwen and Blake follow shortly thereafter, but John blocked Blake so it’s down to John and Gwen. When John asks what kind of music Peyton wants to make he says “All Of Me” is a good song and the two of them briefly sing it together and, hey, I’m over this shit.

Peyton picks John Legend as his coach. He really does have a fantastic voice and will probably win the show. I choose to pass nonetheless.

The Blind Auditions Part Three

Kicking off night three is 22-year-old Andrew Igbokidi from Hot Springs, Arkansas. He’s a first generation American, but his family is from Nigeria.

I am unfamiliar with Nigerian cuisine, but whatever his mom was cooking during his introduction video looks fucking tasty and I would please like to try it.

Andrew seems intense. There’s talk about how he’s only gotten two B’s on his report cards over the years and he still thinks about them constantly. He’s a perfectionist who is good at everything he does.

It would be absolutely hilarious if no one turns around for Andrew.

Except that doesn’t happen. As it turns out, Andrew and his sleeveless sweater dominate. He sings a Billie Eilish song and all four coaches turn.

When Andrew mentions that he’s also considering attending medical school if being a pop star doesn’t work out, John Legend says “you’re like a poster child for a Nigerian child” and Camila follows that up by shouting “immigrant power, immigrant power” and, somewhere, the #ADOS crowd is losing their shit.

Like all good jokes, you’re gonna have to research that one a bit. Sorry.

Anyway, Andrew picks Camila as his coach. I pick Andrew for Team Adam. Dude will probably be our president someday. I’m falling in line early just in case.

Lots of dudes on this team! Let’s see if 34-year-old Cara Brindisi can change that. She does music therapy for a living. That’s sweet. But also she’s from Worcester, Massachusetts, just like my good friend and podcast co-host Jeff May, so somewhere deep down, she’s trash.

Just joking, Cara! About you, not Jeff. Now let’s hear that voice!

She’s singing “All Too Well” by Taylor Swift. I do not know this song whatsoever. Taylor Swift is a real blind spot in my music knowledge, but only because I think she’s massively overrated.

But that’s neither here nor there. One coach turns for Cara, and by that I mean Blake and Gwen. She picks Gwen. I will be shocked if Cara makes it out of the Battle Rounds.

Did you know there are Battle Rounds? People actually fight! With violence! Stay tuned!

Until then, Cara picks Gwen and holy shit does the show ever drag that moment out forever. Team Adam has no room for Cara. Sorry.

The same probably goes for 29-year-old Billy Craver, but I’m basing that solely on his face and I acknowledge that is completely antithetical to how this show works. But also he says he likes country music but “mostly the modern stuff” and I know my gut instinct was correct.

Also, my face instinct was correct. No coaches turn for Billy.

Hey, am I crazy or does Billy kind of look like Jeremy Renner?

You see it.

Up next, 41-year-old Valarie Harding from Tulsa, Oklahoma. There was a point in the early years of this show where a contestant in their 40s would be sincerely commended for even having the gumption to leave the house at such an advanced age. But times have changed and no one gives a single shit about Valarie’s age, and that’s great.

Valarie is the lead singer in a band called Black Wall Street. Can we talk about how awesome that name is? No we cannot, internet articles don’t work that way. Still, that band name slaps.

She’s singing “Giving Him Something He Can Feel” by En Vogue or Aretha Franklin, take your pick. Either way, that is a tall damn order, but she handles it just fine. John and Gwen both turn shortly into the performance and Valarie’s daughter reacts like they just paid off the family’s mortgage. It’s adorable.

Valarie picks John Legend as her coach. That feels like the right choice. As for Team Adam, I’m skeptical. We’ve still got another few episodes to get through for team building purposes. Let’s see what develops.

Julia Aslani is up next and…we need to talk.

Julia is 23-years-old. She’s currently training to be a show jumper. Horses. That means horses. But that’s not what we need to talk about.

During her introduction, Julia mentions her fiancé, who she says she met when she was a sophomore in high school. Then they show us that fiancé and I get the sinking feeling that he was NOT a sophomore in high school when they met. Like not by a longshot.

He looks like he’s old enough to play rhythm guitar for Black Wall Street.

I decide to add Julia to Team Adam just to keep an eye on the situation, if nothing else.

But also her performance of “Let’s Stay Together” by Al Green was way better than the coaches give it credit for. Yes, she’s clearly trying to sound like Ariana Grande. But hey, can YOU sound like Ariana Grande? Nah.

Only Gwen Stefani turns her chair, but that’s all you need. Welcome to The Voice, Julia! Now show us your man’s ID, stat!

Coming to the stage next…The Drye’s. Katelyn and Derek. They’re married and performing as a duo.

I normally am not a fan of duos or groups on this show. It seems unfair. And here’s the thing, I’m not a super duper fan of it here either, but mostly just because I like the Derek half of The Dryes way better than the Katelyn half. I kinda wish he was here alone. Still, duos like these two always do well on the show and this team must be built. Let’s do it!

I’m sure if I dig around in the rules on the app enough I’ll be able to get to the bottom of what that “up for removal in 12 days” thing means. I’m not going to do that, but I am positive it’s a possibility.

Anyway, to keep this from being any longer than it already is, I’ll just say no one else from night three sufficiently floated my boat to gain entrance to Team Adam.

Here’s hoping we can round out this team on night four!