I Downloaded The Voice App: Are We All Dead Now?
The culling of Team Adam
Punch somebody! It’s time for another recap of the the hit NBC reality singing competition The Voice!
If you’ve been keeping up with these articles, you might remember that, at the end of the last one, I was all caught up with the show and was ready to start doing these recaps in real time as new episodes dropped.
That was weeks ago. Since then, for reasons that will be explained more fully later but that also involve me having an anesthesia needle lodged in my jaw, I have not watched a single episode of The Voice, much less written about one.
So now I am a full seven episodes behind again.
As if that isn’t disorienting enough, we’ve reached the “three-way knockouts” portion of the competition. That’s new! This is the first season they’ve done it!
The knockout round is not unlike the battle round in that multiple contestants are competing against each other, and whoever loses gets drawn and quartered by a team of official The Voice horses (execution methods may vary).
The difference is that, during the battle rounds, the contestants duet on the same song. In the knockout rounds, each contestant sings a different song. Can you believe that shit?
Now, that has historically been a thing that was done with two contestants. But now — and I hope you’re sitting down for this — there will be THREE contestants competing and TWO of them die at the end.
It’s bedlam! Absolute anarchy! What’s next, talking animals? Way to jump the shark, NBC!
Also, all of this reminds me that I have not opened the official The Voice app in weeks either. Do I even still have a team at this point?
Well, that question was supposed to be a joke, but sometimes tragedy makes the best comedy. No doubt due to a lack of leadership on my part, the entirety of Team Adam has perished since I last checked in.
Good. I was over those losers anyway. Let’s build a new team.
Also, I’m sorry I called my old team losers, because it turns out some of them are still alive. We just had to part ways briefly because of the authoritarian leanings of the official The Voice app. Welcome back to the fold Parijita, Devix, and Bodie with the Neck Tattoo!
As you’d expect, this turn of events has sucked a whole lot of the drama out of these newfangled three-way knockout rounds for me.
Case in point, the first knockout battle pits Bodie with the Neck Tattoo versus Kevin Hawkins and The Dryes. Despite all having been good enough to be on my team at some point, I have been informed by the official The Voice app that only Bodie remains in the competition.
While it obviously benefits Team Adam, I’m not sure I agree with Bodie winning here. He performed one of the three Post Malone songs I know and he was good, but Kevin Hawkins sang the shit out of “This Woman’s Work” by Maxwell. He’s good enough that Camila and Gwen both try to steal him. Gwen wins that battle.
The Dryes lose and are killed by way of a lethal dose of sodium pentothal injected directly into their respective necks by Carson Daly.
The next three way knockout pits a bunch of people I don’t give a shit about against each other. For the sake of keeping it moving, let’s just fast forward to the next battle that includes someone on my team.
That would be the three way battle between Parijita Bastola, Valarie Harding, and Peyton Aldridge. Parijita is Team Adam, and she wrecks those other two motherfuckers by throwing down on an Etta James song.
Her performance is so impressive that, immediately upon it ending, smoke envelops the entire official The Voice stage and, when it clears, all that remains of Valarie Harding and Peyton Aldridge are bones. Gwen Stefani fashions them into a bustier as the show goes to commercial.
The next three way knockout of interest to Team Adam doesn’t happen for damn near another two full episodes. The last one I talked about happened around the middle of episode 13. We’ve now jumped ahead to an hour into episode 15. That means the last two sentences I wrote are the culmination of approximately three hours of research. Tips are welcome.
The next Team Adam member to defend the crown is Devix. He’s facing off against future world leader Andrew Igbokidi and current middle-aged man Steven McMorran.
I start feeling uneasy about Devix’s chances when, during the coaching portion of the segment, Camila desperately implores him to move a little when he’s onstage and he steadfastly refuses. That’s a problem, because he’s singing a boring-ass Coldplay song.
Granted, it’s one of Coldplay’s best songs by a country mile, but still, you really do need to add some theatrics to the mix if you’re performing this on television. Devix does not. He also sings it EXACTLY like Chris Martin, which is not a compliment. He sounds less like a worthwhile recording artist and more like a celebrity impersonator.
But against all odds, he defeats his competition and moves on to the live playoffs. Andrew and Steven are led offstage by the official The Voice security team, quietly sobbing, resigned to their fate. Screams are heard in the distance moments later. This, tragically, is also The Voice.
With that, the tattered remains of Team Adam have all moved on to the live rounds. Somehow, there have already been four of these episodes since I last checked in. Once again, in the interest of time, I will focus only on the performances that matter to me and my team for the remainder of this column.
Does that mean I’m about to watch four solid hours of The Voice in the name of writing another 250 words or so? Yes, I guess it does. Let’s get to it.
The first live episode features 16 performances. Only 13 contestants will remain at the end of the night. Three will be eliminated in cartoonishly violent fashion.
The first Team Adam assassin to take the stage during the live rounds is Parijita Bastola. She sings “I’ll Never Love Again” by Lady Gaga like her goddamn life depends on it.
I am confident she will not be going home at the end of this episode, both because her performance is great and because the official The Voice app already told me she’s still in the competition.
That said, she does absolutely murder this performance, so much so that she gets a standing ovation from all four judges. This is just how Team Adam do.
Devix’s Coldplay-loving-ass is the next Team Adam competitor to grace the official The Voice stage with his presence. He’s performing “Sex On Fire” by Kings of Leon. It’s no “California Waiting”…
…but in the pantheon of Kings of Leon songs, “Sex On Fire” is a decent substitute I suppose.
Also, unlike the Chris Martin mimicry of his last performance, this time around Devix plays a really interesting version of the song in question.
I had no idea this dude played guitar, but I guess that stands to reason given his musical taste. It’s a smart move given his absolute and total lack of stage presence. I am confident he will live to see another performance.
Finally, the last Team Adam contestant to take the stage is Bodie with the Neck Tattoo, and that motherfucker is performing last. Or, as we call it in the industry, headlining. Again, this is just how Team Adam do.
Bodie is performing “Glimpse of Us” by Joji. I do not frequent Spotify and/or Apple Music playlists enough to know Joji or this song, but it’s good.
As we get deeper into this competition, one thing has become abundantly clear. Bodie has definitely been advised by someone to cover up that neck tattoo.
It says “Praise” when you can see it, but loving Jesus ain’t worth losing The Voice. Wouldn’t want to alienate all of those atheist liberal coastal elites who watch this show.
All that said, Bodie’s performance was excellent and I have no doubt he will live to die another day.
This episode ends with no word on who is going home. The absolute maniacs who produce this show make us jump through a bunch of hoops to get that information. Carson Daly explains how things work at the start of the “Live Top 16 Eliminations” episode and I could not care less. It is way more technical than the rules of a reality singing competition need to be.
But we do find out right away that America has decided Bodie with the Neck Tattoo should live. Of course he should. He is Team Adam.
Up next, the results of America’s trip to the polls as it relates to Team John are revealed. This matters to Team Adam, because Parijita is also Team John. Please pay attention.
Given who she was matched up with, there is absolutely no way Parijita could lose. She got the most votes. America got it right for a change.
Speaking of getting it right, when it comes time to reveal how America feels about Team Camila, our very own Devix prevails also. The entirety of Team Adam survives the first live episode.
That means I could, in theory, fast forward through the rest of this episode and just move on to the live top 13 performances. I didn’t, though. I watched all of it. Trust me. It was wild.
For the live top 13 performances, the contestants are singing “songs that changed their life” and, on top of that, they have to explain why it changed their life. It’s like they’re applying for college or some shit.
Which makes the fact that Devix is here to perform “R U Mine?” by Arctic Monkeys seem highly strange.
But then he explains that it has something to do with the first time he played a more intricate song on guitar while also singing and it still makes no sense.
While his performance does serve as a reminder that I should be listening to Arctic Monkeys way more than I do, it’s only because, once again, he just kinda sounds like the person who originally performed this song. Devix, by far, has the most bar band energy of anyone on Team Adam.
Keeping with my team’s apparent “weird song to have your life changed by” theme, Bodie is performing “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)” by The Proclaimers.
Turns out this was his wedding song? I guess that’s a cute and unique choice. But he’s playing a smooth singer songwriter version of it.
Maybe he did that at the wedding, too. I wasn’t invited so I would not know. But Bodie performs the song really well and hides his neck tattoo with a tasteful and expertly placed diamond encrusted dog collar all at the same time…
…and I have no doubt America will love it.
That leaves Parijita Bastola as the last member of Team Adam to compete in the live top 13 round. She’s singing “All I Ask” by Adele.
Her reasoning for why this song changed her life is actually legitimate. She translated it into her native Nepali language and performed it that way at a Nepali singing competition and won. It was the first time she incorporated her culture into her music.
THAT is a neat story. Take notes, Devix.
Also, I don’t think I know this Adele song. I don’t know most Adele songs.
But she sings it very well and she’s as cute as a button and the audience is way into her. I have no doubt she will survive the night.
And I am correct! The eliminations episode that follows reveals that both Bodie and Parijita are absolutely beloved by America and, as such, remain in the competition.
Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for Devix and his goddamn Arctic Monkeys songs. He is eliminated from the competition along with everyone else from Team Gwen except for that Kique weirdo who collects reptiles. America has inexplicably voted him through to the top 10.
Meanwhile, Team Adam is a shell of its former self.
Even worse, and once again due to the increasingly fascistic rules of the official The Voice app, that is what it will be for the remainder of the competition.
It’s fine, though. I feel good about Team Adam’s chances the rest of the way. America loves a teen with talent so Parijita is in a good spot, and enough Christians would’ve seen Bodie’s “Praise” tattoo in that first episode to secure the evangelical vote for him.
Either way, Team Adam is fucking winning this competition. Stay tuned.
"R U Mine" is a banger